So why am I still up at this God forsaken hour?

Maybe it is something I ate last night. The thing is, I only had taco soup. I had eaten the dish many times before, and never had any effect on me, or my sleeping pattern.

Maybe it isn’t the food itself, but the quantity I binged on.

Maybe it is the new game I got and I wanted to get ahead already.

Maybe it is the idea that came to me earlier in the evening, which excites me to no end.

Whatever it is, it got me writing here; finally letting y’all know I’m still kickin’.

Hey.

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But I still need my “me” time. And these days, I am hooked on one thing – my simple form of escape.

My virtual homestead at Frontierville

Playing Frontierville.

As of today, I am on level 41 and have 18 missions to finish. I have quite a “to do” list of virtual chores for my virtual homestead. Isn’t that ironic?

I have played several games on Facebook – Farmville, Cityville, Millionaire City, Baking Life – to name a few. However, I really love the idea of Frontierville. It’s like a story somehow. It’s so easy to play, too. At first I had a hard time leveling up and finishing missions, but then I found the simple solution to it – have a lot of friends, give gifts and play whenever I have time.

If I were a painting, this is what I would look like, right now, in my current state of mind and emotions.

Memories of Mother

I finally let my mother go yesterday. Her remains, her cremated ashes, I have kept all these years since the day she died. It will be eight years ago, in April.

It was only yesterday that I finally gave my mother what she wanted. I threw her ashes along a mountain ridge. It was what she wanted. I, however, had been very selfish. I kept her remains all these years because it was all I have left of her. I never wanted to move on. It embarrasses me to say this, but I lived in the past. I had a happy childhood. That is why I never wanted to let go. I have wonderful memories of my mother.

They are all that I have of her now, memories.

Walking Forward, Straight and Tall

Not that I’m really tall, you know. But letting my mother go and admitting she can no longer guide me the way she did, has opened up more space in my heart and in my life to someone who has been patiently waiting all these years, to be fully let in. I can only guess what it had been like for him, with his feet at the door all this time.

I had been so stuck in the past, with my mother’s memories, that I had never been able to move forward with someone who is here with me, physically. I knew I had to go on with my life, with OUR life. But it had been so hard to let my mother go.

I did let go, yesterday, albeit half-heartedly. Part of me wants to keep her, but a part of me wants a future with him, too. I realized, the past would always belong to me, but I had to leave it there where it should be; that I have a future to look forward to, a family to raise.

This plethora of emotions that I feel now will pass. The sadness, the bit of regret, the heaviness of nostalgia.

I am my mother’s daughter and I always will be. But now, my own family needs me. I am my sons’ mother, too. And soon, I will be my beloved’s.

I just have to put one foot in front of the other. Slowly. But I will get there.

Artwork: True Colors by Linda Sannuti